... a guy named Gordon B. Hinckley for his service to the world, as President of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, and for his efforts to bring people back from the very edges of Mormonism. When he became President, in 1995, I was struggling with the Word of Wisdom in just about everyway one could. I drank, I smoked, I didn't go to Church because everyone "knew" what I was doing, and I felt like I was being shunned a lot.
We were in Paradise, CA, and I had just transferred from Butte College to Chico State. I went to school in the daytime, worked at a bowling alley 40 hours a week, and somehow made time to go to my son's baseball games, and other things associated with being a dad. After work, I would drink with my crew from the bowl, get home about 4am, be up at 8am, and go back down the hill to start it all over again. I went to school Monday thru Friday, and worked Wednesday thru Sunday, so unless there was a Monday holiday, I didn't have a day off for two years. Since Sacrament Meeting was at 8, and I usually still smelled a little like liquor, I didn't go to Church very often.
Then, right before my final semester, I was driving home, with a blood-alcohol level of .24 (three times the legal limit), and ran into the back end of a flatbed truck parked along the Skyway. I was thrown forward against the steering wheel, which pushed my glasses into my nose cutting both sides, getting bruised ribs from the seatbelt, and receiving several small cuts from the broken glass. That was all.
It was on the following day, when I went to the junk yard to see what my car looked like, I couldn't believe it... The corner of the flatbed hit the windshield right where the rear-view mirror is attached, and peeled the roof back behind the driver's seat. There was this jagged edge of metal, which had been the roof of my car, and somehow, it missed me. I WAS LUCKY TO BE ALIVE!!!
And then I thought, "Not lucky, blessed."
I got to thinking about all of the times, when we held family prayer, that someone asked that we be protected, and all of the times we'd been able to avoid serious injuries... There had to be a correlation...
In 1995, I had been out of AA for about 4 years, because they helped me find my spiritual side, and then refused to talk about anything but a "higher power" when I asked about God. There were so many conflicts, a serenity prayer that started, "God, grant me the serenity..." but if you talked about God, someone had to get up after you, and clarify that AA wasn't a religious fellowship. I was willing to play along, for a while, but it was like watching a mystery, and right before the killer is named, the movie is over... My spiritual side had been rekindled, and had begun to burn, and I couldn't get a single old drunk to talk about God. It also wasn't something I could take to my Bishop, or Priesthood leader; people just weren't trained to deal with problems like alcoholism.
Enter one Gordon B. Hinckley. I had listened to him for a number of years, speaking at General Conference as a member of the Twelve, and every single time, felt like he was talking just to me. Through his efforts, the Church began to recognize the fact that not everyone was able to live the Word of Wisdom easily. He organized a Committee to approach Alcoholics Anonymous, and ask if the Church could adapt AA's 12 Steps to become more Gospel/LDS amenable. AA gave them permission to put something together, for AA approval. After seeing the adaptation, AA gave their approval, and the Addiction Recovery Program went from being an idea, to a functioning Church Service Mission. Mary and I served as the Missionary Couple for ARP here in Vacaville. Just the fact that the Church decided to do something about Members with addiction problems meant a great deal to me.
Pres. Hinckley also identified a problem frequently encountered by new converts... I called it, "Dunk 'em and leave 'em," something I faced when I was first baptized. Before I was baptized, everyone was so nice to me, came up and shook my hand, welcoming me... After baptism, it was like I didn't exist. I had tons of questions, just because I was baptized didn't mean that I actually knew what it was like to be a Mormon, and the one LDS guy in my Division just shipped out to U of U to get his Bachelor's Degree, and become an Officer. It's a long story, and involves a porn dealing, LDS Group Leader, so my first 9 months as a Mormon were pretty messed up...
Most of my 44 years as a Member has been spent just going through the motions. Show up, take sacrament, go home, and not show up for weeks at a time... I felt that everyone knew stuff, that I just wasn't getting. The LDS guy from my Division used to play a game with the Missionaries, someone would pick a chapter in the Book of Mormon, Doctrine and Covenants, or Pearl of Great Price, and the other would recite the Chapter Headings. I couldn't do that, heck, I still can't do that. I prayed, fairly often, to be forgiven for the things I had done wrong, and never felt like I was making any progress. Until 2003.
In 2003, we moved to Spokane, and I met our Ward's High Priest Group Leader, and let's just say that our lives paralleled in a lot of ways. We were attending the Priesthood Session of Conference, at the Spokane Valley Stake Building, sitting side by side, as we had become friends over the several months we'd been in Spokane, and Pres. Hinckley talked about listening for the answer to our prayers. What a novel concept! I guess, up to that point, I believed that my prayers were a one-way communication, just say them, and let God alone to do his work... We talked about listening for answers on the ride home, and I decided to try it sometime.
It struck me funny, when I prayed, once again, for forgiveness of my past sins, and actually stopped to listen for an answer, I could almost feel Him thumping me on the head, telling me to stop bringing up old business, I had been forgiven for that stuff the first time I asked. When I told my friend about the experience, it opened up a long, long conversation on the Atonement, and I finally understood a whole lot about what it means to be a Mormon. I took a lot away with me from our sojourn in Eastern Washington, and this is what I have learned:
The Church is perfect. The doctrine is perfect, the organization is modeled after Christ's own church, it has a Prophet at it's head, and it has a second witness of Jesus the Christ. The people, on the other hand, should probably get electroshock every so often. They gossip, they judge, they're hypocritical, and NONE of them are perfect, despite any airs they may put on. A year in a Bishopric taught me that.
I've gotten over the "Be ye therefore perfect," thing. For one, there's no freaking way that I am going to ever be perfect, except perhaps on the other side of the veil. I really can't "strive" to be perfect, hope to be perfect, or ever be considered perfect, other than being a perfectly bad example... The only thing I can hope, pray, or try for is to be a little better today, than I was yesterday. I realized that being a Mormon isn't a competition, in the eyes of God, we are all equal, and I'm good with that. I realized that being a Mormon doesn't give me any right to judge other people, but gives me the responsibility to view others as the Savior sees them.
After Spokane, I stayed active until 2013, when I had lung cancer surgery, which, when coupled with chronic back problems, kept me at home for most of the next three years. Ordinarily, I'd have slept in, watched football/baseball/golf on TV, and I did for a couple of months, until I felt a part of me slipping away. It was that spiritual part, it wasn't being nourished, and I was in real danger of losing it. I started having my own meetings, with talks from General Authorities (via the Ensign, and BYU Channel), but I really missed being with my Ward Family.
That spiritual side has been a part of me my whole life. It sustained me through some of the worst times imaginable, it has been a small ray of hope, a glimmer of pure light that shines in times of the deepest darkness. It's the side that tells me that Jesus is my Savior, that even though he was crucified in the flesh, he lives on, to guide me back to his presence. It's the side that tells me that through the Atonement, I can one day return to His presence, and hear those magnificent words, "Well done, my good and faithful servant."
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