I seem to be getting into my own way, lately. I'm not really sure what it's all about, but everytime I turn around, there I am (and no, that's not that old joke). I seem to be going in circles, getting very little done. It's like I've lost my energy, my drive. I don't like being limited in the things I can do, and completely resent the fact that the things I can do get fewer every year. It's all a part of aging, I guess. I played hard and fast as a young man; now I'm just pudgy and slow.
It isn't much fun, getting older. Don't get me wrong, I know what the flip-side is, and I'm not ready to have six of my friends... Do I have six friends?... cart me around by the handles. I am grateful for every day I wake up and my back hurts. At least that way, I know I'm still alive. At this point, if there was a therapy that could take away all of my pain, I'd be scared to death every morning. I know there are people out there who are in worse pain than what I am in, and they have my deepest sympathies, but when your "best days" still register on the "pain meter" every f-ing day, day-in; day-out; 24/7, 365 (or 366) days a year, for more than a decade, you have an understanding of pain that normal people just don't get.
When I was teaching at my old alma mater, I had a student tell me he would have liked to have been around Vacaville in the late '60's. I told him, "No, you don't." Indicating how much he'd be paying for it now. That was ten years ago. Darn I'm old.
I guess that will become my next Pastime, sitting around bitching about how much stuff hurts. I hope not, because I think I'm better than that. But, what do I know? I'm trying to write, and have at least three working drafts on my word processor, and a few blogs, letters to the Editor, that kind of stuff. Trying to keep my mind active; trying to focus on something other than pain. I play computer games, and Wii, anything to keep moving, and not think about pain.
I am supposed to be relatively "pain-free" a week after my ESI treatment, and normally I am, but there's now an arthritic pain that seems to be with me all of the time. I would take Motrin, or Alieve, or whatever NSAID's available, except I took them for so long, it would be like taking an M&M, and, frankly, M&M's taste better. I have been taking Norco for the last six months, and it helps to mask the pain a bit. I have had conversations with both my Primary Care Physician and an Interventional Radiologist as to the appropriateness of narcotics in my pain management therapy, and both of them think it is still on the good side. I take the medication in accordance with the instructions of the doctor, and sometimes not at all. If I am not in pain, I do not take the medicine. Thus far, there have been no apparent side-effects, nor do I attempt to abuse it in anyway.
It's not about me, though. Well, maybe it is; my own self-consciousness about my limitations, and a desire not to suffer in public, but I think of other's first. I ask myself if I was going to be able to be social, due to my pain, or if I am going to become an object of pity. I might stick it out as a social antagonist, but I will be pitied by no one. I don't want anyone to be "sorry," sorry doesn't help. I would like it if people could be a little more understanding of why I don't get out often. I can straighten myself up, and look kind of normal, but dig it, people, if you aren't looking at me laying in a box, I'm in pain and I don't want pity.
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