I'm an alcoholic. On my own, I would probably go back to hiding in an alcohol-fueled fog. It's a lot easier that way; I could continue my slow suicide, and no one would care. Fortunately, I'm not on my own, and there are quite a few people who care. I have been living sober for a long time, going back to the 20th Century (sounds kind of impressive, huh?), but it all comes down to choosing not to drink on a daily basis. Not that it's much of a choice anymore, but that isn't my doing, to be honest.
I am a fortunate man. I have a family that was willing to forgive the times I lied, missed games, or missed a performance, due to my addiction. I have gone to each of them, acknowledged my wrongdoings, and have received their love and appreciation in return. Materialistically, our needs are met, and we live fairly comfortably, but I am not a materialistically-wealthy man by any means. In other ways, emotionally, physically, spiritually, I am a very rich man. I would not exchange my riches for any material wealth.
Anymore, my thoughts rarely wander into a bar, but I get the occassional "Wouldn't an ice-cold beer be great right now?" I usually just laugh it off, because it happens at odd times. I've even had someone ask me that, on a hot Northern California afternoon. "Yeah, it would." I answered, acknowledging that it would, but knowing it wasn't going to happen.
It's not a choice, so much, anymore. If you could see, through my eyes, all that has changed since I became sober, the choice has become automatic. It's like the old joke about playing a Country song backwards, I got my wife back, my kids back, my life back, and much, much more.
When I went, kicking and screaming, to the Navy Alcohol Rehab Center, I couldn't imagine a life without drinking. When I left, I had a plan, but life overcame, and I began to drink again. Few, in real life, ever realize that moment of absolute clarity, and come to know that their lives have been in the Hands of God, and that there is something I need to accomplish in this life. I have, and have told the story before.
After that experience, I attended my obligatory AA meetings, and had a spiritual parting of the ways. AA is focused on "higher power," my higher power is the One God, and His Son, Jesus Christ. AA doesn't want to "go there," and I felt my spiritual progress was being hampered by an inability to get beyond the philosophical differences. Make no mistake, AA helped me a lot, but only to awaken my spiritual-self. The quest to build a personal relationship with my Heavenly Father was taken alone.
Once again, I began to think of life in real terms, not as opportunities to drink. I had a minor "slip" in January of '99, and decided to quit once and for all. Six months into my new sobriety, I bought a house, and was having friends help us move our stuff about a half mile. One friend happened to be the Principal for Summer School, and needed someone to teach either eighth- or ninth-grade English, for a stipend of $4,000. I took the ninth-grade class. We had about six weeks, two hours per-day, each, Monday through Friday. Somehow it satisfied some requirement, and students were credited with 90 hours of learning in 60 hours. If you think that doesn't make sense, try making lesson plans.
At the end of Summer School, I went back on the Sub List, and refused a job offered less than a week after my six week learning experience. I wasn't ready, at least, not then. As was my habit, the day after I refuse a job, I'd go in and talk to Mary, then Robin, who used to make the calls personally. Mary asked me if my degree was in English; I told her "Yes." She says, "Go to Vaca High, see Bob Johnson, they have a 60% position that needs to be filled." I went, Bob wasn't there. I ended up getting the job, and taught at my old high school for four years, total. I taught most of a calendar year, and taught Summer School 2000. I did it all sober. Lord knows I wanted a drink from time to time, but I didn't. That long school year may have been one of the factors in my stroke in 2001, it was 24 straight months, in a high stress job. Sober.
I survived a stroke, sober. I survived a whole lot of other things, too, sober. Some major life-changing decisions, all made sober. Perhaps the best decision, in terms of my spiritual well-being, was to move to Spokane, Wa.
I believe the decision to move to Spokane was part of a personal revelation; made possible by a few years of sobriety, and an desire to become active in my Mormon faith. I believe this because of the people I was to meet, and the opportunity to live in a community with a large Latter-day Saint population. Spokane, you see, is roughly a geographic, and population equal to the communities of Dixon, Vacaville, and Fairfield, Ca combined. There are Stakes in Vacaville, and Fairfield, as well as a Ward in Dixon. In Spokane, there are five Stakes, and a Temple. It's not like both of my neighbors were LDS, or anything, but members of Evergreen Ward were very close-by.
One of the most amazing things I learned in Spokane was that the LDS Church was developing an Addiction Recovery Program, using AA's Twelve Steps as a basis. It had been a "pilot program" in Vacaville, Mary was the Group Facilitator for a while, but it had, apparently, been picked-up Church-wide. I attended a few meetings in Spokane, but my "change of heart" came as a result of meeting a guy, the High Priest Group Leader in my Ward.
To say that Bob and I lived parallel lives would be most appropriate. Bob, however, had long ago accounted for his transgressions, and taught me a lot about repentance, and about the Atonement of Jesus Christ. Living among the members of Evergreen Ward, I learned about Service, both as a recipient of, and as a provider of. I had a number of talks with Bob, and with our Bishop, and realized that the only thing standing in the way was me. After that, my "conversion" to my religion, after 35 years of being a member, happened pretty quickly.
Life is good, now. All of that baggage that I've lugged is gone. I am finally free to live in Today, only looking at Yesterday as a "benchmark" (as in, "Am I better Today than Yesterday?"), and preparing for Tomorrow (whatever that brings...). I am following another personal revelation, to take care of my family, first, and then my Priesthood responsibilities. I was promised that if I focused on those two things, "everything will work-out fine". Guess what?
Everything is just fine.
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